Every once in a while, I check my spam folder to see if anything has found its way in there that I actually wanted to receive. Invariably, along with several emails from nice people in faraway lands who need help getting their inheritance and offers to sell Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra are an abundance of emails promising me a big penis, or a monster dick, or a huge cock, or something along those lines. Setting aside for a moment that none of those “guaranteed” techniques actually work, the size of a penis being a matter of vascularity and ligament attachment points, I do not want a huge penis. In truth, mine has served me well all of these years, but even if I was a twenty-something, single stud muffin, I would not want an anaconda in my trousers. It’s not because I have been traumatized by rock videos from the seventies, when everyone from Steve Perry to Robert Plant seemed to find it necessary to shove a dead squirrel down their slacks to attract women, though I have been traumatized by those videos. It’s because I have no interest in women who are so superficial that they look for men with a cobra behind their zipper, any more than women should want to be with a man who insists the breasts the Good Lord gave them simply aren’t adequate or asks them to run off for a labiaplasty because they don’t look like their favorite porn star.

As George Carlin pointed out decades ago, in the dark it all feels the same. More importantly, if you are wanting to have sex with me not because you care about me but rather because you have fantasies about being a snake charmer, I don’t want to have sex with you. Call me old-fashioned if you must, that’s fine with me. Perhaps more importantly, I have been carrying my penis around with me for over fifty-four years now and have become kind of attached to it. We have been through thick and thin together. I think I’ll keep it just the way it is, thank you. And, when the time comes that it doesn’t want to stand up and be counted, that will be just fine too. I’m loyal like that.

P.S. To those of you who found this blog because you Googled “big penis,” or “huge cock,” get some help, please. Don’t you feel silly now?