Here’s a good rule of…ah…thumb for personal conduct: don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to find out about – or witness. This is a rule every clergy person should have drilled into their head. The truth is that while the Roman Catholic Church may win the award for the most egregious sex abuse scandal and cover up, no tradition or denomination is innocent. Clergy conferences are veritable orgies, and not just for single clergy. Clergy get drunk in bars and “gift” their vestments to whomever they are trying to pick up for the night and feel no shame when they can’t remember who might have these items the next day. Partnered clergy who travel have “friends” who pick them up and graciously let them stay in their bed while they are on the road while their partners sit at home expecting monogamy. The lowest rent clergy of all pick up guests at weddings they celebrate and sleep with them, coming as close as they can to violating their jurisdictions’ sexual misconduct policies without actually crossing the line.

I make no judgment here about people in open relationships, but I am calling out people in committed relationships who can’t seem to be faithful. Do Grandma and the rest of us a favor and get out of your relationship – and stay out of relationships until you grow up enough to keep your genitals covered up. Even if you’re single, if you are about to sleep with somebody and get the feeling your grandma wouldn’t react well if she found out about the circumstances, just don’t do it. God gave you two hands, a bottle of lube, and an assortment of small, battery operated electric appliances with eccentric motors for times such as those.

Above all, if you do make it your policy to go about doing the mattress mamba indiscriminately and things don’t turn out the way you hoped they would, don’t point your (most likely still unwashed) finger at anybody else trying to make your pecker their problem. That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.