You are going to be so glad you read today’s post, because I am going to offer you a way to both secure your retirement homestead and invest your money in a can’t miss venture.

As you know, the baby boomer generation is aging at a frantic pace. As you may also know, as the founding and presiding bishop of The Universal Anglican Church, I have been very concerned that I am able to retire in a fashion that befits the dignity of my position while also allowing me to continue to live in the manner to which I have become accustomed. What’s more, while I will doubtless continue to write in my retirement, I want to be able to control the throngs of visitors who will no doubt flock to my retirement home hoping just to touch the hem of my garment. Naturally, I will want some peace in my retirement, so I will need to have a way to control access to my retirement suite.

To be quite honest, I have always had a dream of sitting placidly on my veranda in retirement. Since Jesus said, “bring the little children to me,” I don’t see any need to have them come to me. I have retained the services of this fine young man to bring me bushels full or rotting fruit in return for my Episcopal blessings and a bologna sandwich. This will allow me to throw rotting fruit at any urchins seeking to visit me when they should be visiting Jesus. Since I am some years away from retirement, I am hopeful he will be paroled by the time I need his services. It will be good for his parole for him to have gainful employment at the hands of his spiritual mentor.

Naturally, we are going to need a good security staff. I don’t really anticipate trouble, but we need to consider the throngs of paparazzi that will attempt to clandestinely enter the compound to take embarrassing photographs to sell to the tabloids. Fortunately, I have found a small but hearty group of professionals with extensive experience protecting just the sort of compound that we will build – and that you have the opportunity to invest in and to live on – but more on that later.

Of course, we are going to need someone to manage the affairs of our compound, to make sure that our homes are adequately cared for and our environs remain pristine. While I contemplated using some sort of outside service to take care of these extremely important, albeit mundane, responsibilities, I came to the conclusion that it would be better to have someone on-site and actually living on the grounds – though a discreet distance from where the rest of us will be, of course. Here is a picture of him coming out of his new office.

By now I am sure you can’t wait to see the actual retirement compound – and who could blame you? First, I will reveal the homes where the common people will live. These homes are quite lovely, but somewhat removed from the heart of the compound where my closest followers and I will live. The two gentlemen to the left will be in charge of security in this section. To be quite honest, I’m not sure what they are doing in that picture. They told me this was taken during a training exercise, and that’s good enough for me. Before I show you the homes, I want to mention that since people occasionally get bored in their retirement I thought it was important to hire an activity director to ensure that we all remain active. He was gracious enough to provide us with a picture of one of this favorite games to play with residents at the assisted living center where he now works. He calls it “Poking Pinkies,” whatever that means. It does look like great fun – it’s just too bad he won’t be working in the upper compound as well!

I don’t want to make you commoners wait one moment longer to see your new homes! Just imagine spending your golden years in one of these beauties! You will be the talk of your former town when they hear that you are living in the lap of luxury! You’ll doubtless have a waiting list of friends wanting to come and spend the weekend in your new home – and who could blame them? These color coordinated beauties are waiting for you to get on the waiting list for retirement heaven.

Now, I almost hesitate to show you what the upper compound, or inner sanctum as we call it, is like for fear that you won’t be content to stay among the commoners. However, I want to give you something to aspire to, some goal to set for yourself, some dream that you might one day fulfill but in all likelihood will fall miserably short of, sad to say. Of course, that Penthouse beauty is mine – all mine – largely because its height affords me the best range with the rotten fruit that old felony-pants will bring me once he is released. It also will be very difficult for the paparazzi to get a good angle on my windows at that height. Note the swimming pool to the left in the picture. I have retained a life guard to ensure our safety when using the pool – after all, none of us want our retirement marred by tragedy! Bubba tells me that his flannel shirt and overalls are actually made by Speedo, making it completely unnecessary for him to change clothes (thanks be to God) before diving into the pool to rescue swimmers in distress.

I know you are dying to know the details! Who would be? To tell you the truth, I know the details but don’t want my hands stained by filthy lucre. I have retained an exceptional sales staff to assist you in locating the home of your dreams, or investing in what it sure to he the investment opportunity of a lifetime – or both! Just swing on by the compound anytime, day or night, and a member of our professional sales staff will be standing by ready to assist you in achieving your dream of retiring in the lap of luxury!