I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but women have breasts. Apparently, conservative Catholic author Teresa Tomeo doesn’t know that. She’s still very upset about Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction in the 2004 Superbowl Halftime show. You had probably almost forgotten about it, because you have a life, but not so for Ms. Tomeo! What’s more, she is mad as hell…er, heck, because the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit threw out a $550,000 fine levied by the Federal Communications Commission against the CBS TV network for its airing of the aforementioned wardrobe malfunction. If you’re like me, you can’t believe that this nonsense ever was, much less still is, actually knocking around the Courts, but when some people get hold of a breast they just won’t let go, and Teresa Tomeo is one of them!
Tomeo said, “The frustration over this disgusting public display of indecency has been raging for years; and now, thanks to this latest ruling — announced, ironically, during White Ribbons Against Pornography (WRAP) Week — it appears that those who expect to be able to sit down and watch one of the most popular TV sporting events in the world without having to worry about their children and themselves being exposed to yet more offensive content are all wet.” All wet? Apparently, she gets almost as excited about breasts as I do!
That’s her in front of that yellow phallic symbol, grinning from ear to ear. She’s bound and determined to clean up the media, by golly, so that she doesn’t have to answer questions from her children about their body parts – or hers. Since when is a woman’s breast “offensive content”? Remember all women have them, even Teresa Tomeo, and so do men – though men are allowed to bare theirs in public without Ms. Tomeo getting all wet, apparently. I guess it doesn’t take much breast exposure to get Ms. Tomeo all wet, as I clearly recall playing the video back many times in super slow motion when this shameless act of lewdness happened before I could actually see anything – and even then, what I saw was so blurry it was impossible to identify. Apparently just the idea of Janet Jackson’s breast being exposed is enough to offend Teresa and make her all wet! Therein lies the problem.
It’s this kind of puritanical, prudish sexual ethic that causes tremendous amounts of misunderstanding and dysfunction. It’s the reason that women in this country receive the ire of lunatics like Teresa when they breast feed in public. Breasts are, after all, secondary sexual characteristics that also have a biological function. Here’s a fact that will really set the likes of Teresa Tomeo spinning in her chastity belt: Mary breast-fed Jesus. That’s right, little baby Jesus latched on to Mary’s breasts and sucked them for dear life. I suppose that fact would make her almost as uncomfortable as if I suggested Joseph engaged in the same behavior, albeit for different reasons.
I’m reminded of the story of two buddhist monks who were walking along together. Buddhist monks are not allowed to touch women, but they came across a woman who was too short to cross a river. She asked the monks to help her, so one of them picked her up, carried her across the river, and set her down. The two monks continued on their journey and the woman went her separate way. After a while, the second monk confronted the first about his behavior, reminding him that they were not to touch women. The first replied, “I put her down long ago, but you are still carrying her.”
Are you listening, Ms. Tomeo? Put Janet Jackson’s breast down, and find something else to get all wet about.