Is there such a thing as a good wedding band? I don’t mean a relatively good wedding band, I mean a good wedding band. I don’t mean a good wedding band that is defined as such because they are just a bit less crappy than every other wedding band. I mean a really good wedding band.

Every time I see a wedding band full of white boys with the obligatory white female singer doing a white bread version of “Proud Mary” or “We are Family” I want to scream. More personally offensive to me are the uptight versions of “Sweet Home Alabama” and other southern rock classics that are done with all the feeling of the average upper middle class sexual encounter. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so predictable.

It gets even worse if the band has a horn section. As one who is old enough to remember what horn sections brought to bands like Chicago and Blood, Sweat, and Tears I just want to weep when I see some clown with a muted trumpet try to add a little flair to some piece of drivel from the vast musical wasteland that was 1980s pop music.

I’m not saying that any wedding entertainment option is without danger. There are certainly more than enough bad DJs out there – but I certainly have seen good DJs. Karaoke is almost always a bad experience – its only usefulness is that if you find yourself actually enjoying it there is a pretty good chance that you are too drunk to drive home. Give the keys to someone else immediately!

Maybe my problem with wedding bands stems from the fact that they are always mediocre, and never authentic to who they are. I’m not saying I could do any better, but then again at least I am honest about who I am.